Amaya used to sleep through, but since having eczema, she has been waking a bit through the night. This obviously equals broken sleep for me, night after night this adds up and then I become tired, emotional, irrational Bree. Anyone that knows me, knows that I struggle with lack of sleep. Lack of sleep effects every aspect of my life (cue snappy Bree).

The other night, midnight – Amaya is crying. She sometimes just wakes through the night but will go back to sleep if I cuddle her and hasn’t fed through the night for ages. Why is she crying? This worried me, as it is completely out of the normal for her. So, tired, emotional, irrational Bree starts to join the crying party too. In comes Teina, our knight in shining armour (hahaha). He takes Amaya, makes her  a bottle (duh tired, emotional, irrational Bree – your baby is HANGRY! She must be growing or something, but I honestly did not think she was hungry, as she does not feed through the night, but I was wrong) and tells me to “lay down, go to sleep”. Well, he didn’t have to ask me twice. Out.Like.A.Light.

I remember reading a woman’s comment on Instagram once that she would get anxiety as the sun went down, as she had no idea what the night would bring. I remember I felt like this when we first brought Amaya home. At night time it is easy to feel lonely, it can feel like you & your baby are the only people awake. My Mum once told me that when she was up with me & my brother through the night she would think of all the other women, around the world, who were up with their babies too. It helped her to feel that she was not alone. One thing that always helped me was that I knew Teina was there if I needed him (I would try to let him sleep as he usually has work the next day).

But what about single Mums?

It’s entirely on their shoulders. I really don’t know how they do it and boy do I take my hat off to them. Seriously though, how do they do it? I know they don’t have a choice and that is how we always power through the difficult times, but really – they are like superhuman!

I was reading an article the other day called “We are torturing new mothers and then wondering why they get mentally ill” (a good friend tagged me in this, because we spent our time together the other day discussing how tired we are, the permanent black rings around our eyes, as well as how motherhood is just a tough gig in general). This article, I believe, is so true. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture and changes the way we think and see the world. I know with me, it changes my perception of reality, I get snappy and can be offended easily by things that I would not usually even think twice about.

This is where we, as women, need to band together and help each other. Support each other. This is something that is so foreign to some people. I read some of these ‘Mum’ pages on Facebook and Instagram and all I see is women judging each other. Ummm…we are all tired and trying to do the best we can to raise good humans! Can’t we HELP each other rather than JUDGE each other? Why do women feel the need to compete with each other? How does this benefit you & your child(ren)? It doesn’t. So stop it. You know, as well as the next woman, how challenging Motherhood (or just being a woman) can be, so let’s try to be patient, kind, loving, supportive and helpful to each other. And to all the single Mum’s out there, I send you love. You are doing a fabulous job!

 

B Xx

 

 

 

One of the questions I get asked the most is “So is Motherhood what you expected? Has it changed you?”. Is it what I expected? I don’t know what I expected, but yeh I love Amaya a lot – I expected that. Has it changed me – hell yes. Just the other day Facebook shared with me all of the people who I became friends with on Facebook in 2015, it also showed me all of the people who deleted me in 2015.

 I used to take the Facebook delete quite personally (unless I didn’t like you, then I kind of felt relieved that I didn’t have to do the deleting), but now I honestly do not care one little bit.

I truly don’t. It’s liberating. For a Cancerian whose feelings could be hurt by just a glance, this is brilliant. Having a baby just makes you stronger and realise that petty shit just does not matter. I have also learnt to say ‘no’ a little more than usual. I almost always felt obligated to do things that would make other people happy, now I just do not have the time or the energy to waste on doing things that I simply, do no want to do. My time is so precious, especially if its baby-free time…then I want to spend that time with my friends, connecting with them and not being interrupted every five minutes by a baby who needs something from me.

Becoming a Mother has been a little overwhelming at times and recently I realised that I had lost my way in regards to my relationship with myself. So I took some time, and a lot of tears, to think about what I needed to get me back on track and I have already started to put that into play and will definitely continue to put it into play in 2016. When your job is 24 hours a day, it’s exhausting and requires a lot of energy – so I need to stop wasting my energy on shit that is no longer important. My life changed when I had Amaya, so of course the things I disperse energy to are going to change.

I always remember that scene from ‘Sex & The City’ where Carrie rings Miranda with one of her usual men sagas, Miranda listened for a while before blurting out “I don’t have time for this, call one of your other friends that doesn’t have a child”. I always found that scene a little shocking, like “well fuck, just cos you had a baby you don’t abandon your friends”, but I get it now…your energy levels are always going up & down, depending of course on the day/night that you have with your babe. Please do not get me wrong, I fricken love chatting to my friends and hearing their dramas, but I realise now that timing is everything. Plus I want to give you my undivided attention, so I don’t half hear the story.

I really feel like you spend a lot of motherhood in survival mode. Like coffee has helped me through some long ass days. I have burst into tears many a time, just because I am so effing wrecked. I get so scattered when I am exhausted, I almost become like a child who is so unsure of what they want so they just cry. If I am hungry too, this is just a situation that could easily become out of control at any given moment. The thing that scares me the most when I am like that, is the fact that Amaya needs me…she needs ME. I have to pull myself together and fast (pre-baby I could take all the damn time in the world to pull myself together because no one was relying on me), but she has needs and they need to be met.

I try my hardest to be entirely authentic when it comes to my experiences, so now I am going to share with you some positive experiences that I have had since becoming a Mother…

The way she looks at me. I know that I am her favourite person in the entire world. This might be the first time that anyone has loved me so purely…this feeling is the best feeling in the world. Amaya LOVES her Dad, but he gets cheeky Amaya – like he is who she wants to have fun with, Mum is there for cuddles and kisses.

Her smile. Oh my gawwwsh her smile is amazing. And she smiles a lot – the fact that she is a happy baby just makes me feel like I am doing an amazing job (she flashes me her smile when I am crying, at first I thought she was happy that I was crying but then I didn’t care – her smile made my tears turn from sad and tired to happy and that feeling that my heart is full). I am forever grateful for this blessing!

She is a good baby. I feel like she is working with me, not against me. Sometimes I feel like their state of being is a reflection of your parenting style and your energy (excluding medical conditions, but I still think your energy can make these situations better or worse). If you are nervous, they will feel unsafe and therefore cry. I feel like this is definitely the case with Amaya and through discussions with other Mother’s I have come to this conclusion.

They bring Christmas back. Now I have always loved Christmas and Santa, but I have not been so keen for Santa photos – ever before. Today Amaya got Santa photos done with her cousins – eeeee!!!! – so effing cute (see photo below for super cuteness!!). I am so glad that Amaya has cousins so close in age, to her. I am so close to my cousins – they are your first friends, and in my case, still some of my closest friends. This photo is a result of a lot of effort, Jonelle was not keen on Santa (Totally understandable, I think those beards are ridiculous & scary!) needless to say, Ellè & I were super proud of this photo and so in love with it.

I feel beyond blessed to have Amaya in my life and I am so stoked that she chose us to be her parents! As much as I am exhausted and my eyes have bags now as a permanent fixture to my face (Amaya might sleep, but it has been an exhausting year), I am so happy & my heart is so full. She is just divine and I just love her.

Merry Christmas!

B Xx

 

 

 

 

 

This year feels like it has been a complete blur…and if you are anything like me (which I am sure you are not), then Christmas time just proves to me, time and time again, how hopelessly unorganised I am. Every year I have good intentions to start my shopping in October, but I fail miserably (New Years resolution perhaps?).

But this year is different, worse even.

I have a baby. I definitely have to Christmas shop!

Now I thought about how much (or little) I could buy her, as she has no idea that she has feet yet, let alone that it is Christmas (before you think I am a meanie, she gets lots of things all the time!). But you know, I felt guilty (surprise! More guilt!), plus there is some stuff I want for her. I also am terrible and I keep buying her stuff and then giving it to her as soon as we bought it (or in my case, most of the time anyway, arrived in the mail).

I am a chronic internet shopper. I just LOVE it. So I thought I would share with you some brilliant websites, for great gifts for Children (I should have done this earlier right, not a week out from Christmas?), but hopefully it will help you next year (I am looking at you – all of the women that I know who are pregnant right now…) whether it be for your own children, nieces and nephews or any child that you love.

 

Xander Lou Kids

I loooove this shop. I actually got one of Amaya’s Christmas presents from here. Their cushions are beyond cute (I have two of them in Amaya’s cot). Do yourself a favour and check it out! The blanket I got her is just thee cutest and matches one of her cushions! You will spend a lot of time in the nursery, so best you make it pretty, yeh?

 

Belles and Bruisers

Cutest clothes and accessories. Amaya’s big bow headbands are from here. Their website is under construction at the moment, so best to find them on Instagram.

 

Ghetto Kids

Their clothes are super funky and their t-shirts have the cutest slogans. I have bought many of Amaya’s shirts from here (including the ‘Watch me whip, watch me nay nay’ shirt).

 

Children of the Tribe

This shop is based in Byron Bay and the clothes are exactly what you would expect. Super cool and beachy. I honestly could spend forever on this website, I once filled my cart up with over $200 worth of stuff within ten minutes. Plus their wraps are such a good size! Both the wrap and her outfit are from Children of the Tribe.

 

 

IndiMak

Another page with super cute clothes for your babe! Their slogans are also hilarious (Amaya’s ‘Who run the world’ shirt is from here).

 

Kippins

Oh my gosh we love Kippins! Amaya is lucky enough to have a River Kippin and a Coco Kippin. River is required for each sleep (she has had him longer and seems to like him more, for now). They are made with organic cotton and organic ink, they are suuuuper soft (I even want to cuddle River & Coco sometimes!) and have been tested many times to ensure that they are safe from birth. I looked into the benefits of having a comforter (I never thought that I would be encouraging my child to have a comforter), but I felt that the benefits of having a comforter are pretty good ones (for us anyway) and felt that a Kippins is something that we needed in our life. (see below for River & Coco cuddles).

 

The Birth Poster

All you need is the babies birth weight, length, date & time and these people will sketch up your babe (according to their length & weight), so you will always be able to remember just how small they were. It’s a great keepsake that I think anyone would appreciate, definitely a present that I don’t think you can go wrong with. Ours is on it’s way to us right now (eeeee!), it is easy to forget how small a 900g baby was. (I have a feeling that I will be in tears when I open this up and remember just how small she was).

Uhhh I could go on alllll night! But these are the ones I can think of for now. Next year I will try to do one a little earlier, with  new websites that I love, but for now, take note of these websites! I love them all! Plus you don’t have to battle the crowds if you shop online!

Happy shopping! Xx

P.S. If you aren’t on Instagram, get on Instagram! You can follow me @breeanashaebailey and I tag the stores in my photos, these will lead you to pages that will lead you other pages and before you know it…you will be lost in the amazing world that is Instagram!

 

WATCH this and remember to always take care of you! (Click on the link below)

You are enough, in this moment and in every moment.

I often forget this. I have had a hard time lately balancing my role as Amaya’s Mother and Teina’s girlfriend. I forgot about me too. Actually, lately I have just had a hard time. I am still finding my feet as a mother and I am not entirely sure that I am doing such a good job at times, but Amaya is happy and that tells me all that I need to know.

We, the women, are the link that holds it all together, our feelings and thoughts have the power to change the dynamics of the whole family. We are important and we need to treat ourselves so.

When I struggle, I turn to Teal (a good friend got me on to Teal). It is a great way to find some balance and to help you understand things a little better. Here are the links to some of my favourite Teal Swan YouTube videos.

How do I discover self worth?

Self Love

If you follow these links you will come across other videos that might suit you better :)))

I hope you find balance, I am watching Teal tonight in hope to find mine ❤

So I am all for self love and recognising your worth, but I am also big on being real. I am pretty hopeless at a lot of things…here are a few of them:

• I can seem quite hopeless and slack sometimes, when upsetting things happen I tend to resort to my shell (typical Cancerian, I did this when Amaya was in the NICU). I don’t know why, even I think it is silly, but I do it.
• Christmas shopping. Every year I say that I am going to be more organised, yet I fail. I bought Amaya’s first Christmas present tonight.
• Time management, woah I am bad at this one. Teina is the king of time management, whereas I have pretty much no ability what so ever to guesstimate how long something will take…therefore, I am always late.
• I am so forgetful. (I am looking at you Chantel McInnes). It wasn’t pregnancy brain. I am still forgetful and I was before I was pregnant too, it just got worse when I was pregnant and has not improved. Will it ever?

Basically, you get the idea. I recognise my flaws. I am no fool, I know exactly what I am like. I think I have always had a fair idea of who I was, but it has become a lot clearer in the last few years. I literally cannot even fake a hello to someone that I don’t like. Call me a bitch, but I am super proud of how authentic I have become. If I don’t like you, I won’t harm you, I just will not bother with you. I also don’t dislike people easily, so I always have my reasons, and they are damn good ones.

Some people that I have come across on my journey have no idea who they are and what they are like. They have lost touch with reality. Some of these people quite literally bitch and complain about themselves, but put the blame on others – “I hate when she does that…”, um…you do that. ALL.THE.TIME. They are actually talking about themselves, they just don’t know it yet.

I really think that it is vital that we get to know ourselves and what we are all about before we reproduce. How can I guide Amaya when I literally have no idea what is going on? I thank my family, my friends and travel. I really do believe that I sifted through the riff raff at a young age and found the diamonds. I have kept these diamonds and I tell you what, they shine brighter as the years go by. I am so grateful for the friends that I have had for years, they have liked me in times where I did not know who I was, in times where I was sad (a lot of these diamonds get uncomfortable when people cry…and I do that a lot. I have made shit really awkward at times. Except for when I cry in movies, they tend to find that hiiiiilarious!). I have had so many shady characters in my life over the years and my friends have put up with each and every one of them, for me. My friends listen to my endless concerns and have spent hours on the phone as I go over the same shit, trying to work it out in my head.

Basically, I never knew this about myself, until this year…but I can be a bit of a lousy friend at times. I used to try and keep everyone happy, but in the end I started sacrificing my own happiness to keep others happy, as well as giving away more energy than I had. This year I have had so much energy drawn out of me, but my friends have all still been there for me. Even when I literally have nothing left to give.

I know that it isn’t the new year yet, but this is my new years resolution.

To be the best Mum I can be, I have to save my energy and only disperse of it wisely. I am going to try my best, to be the best friend I can be to my diamonds (you know who you are), as I truly would be utterly lost without them.

Take care of your girlfriends, because you need them more than you know and will need them in the future. You will need your friends when you have a baby, as they will be able to guide you if they have already had babies, drink wine with you and just listen to you. Sometimes all you need is someone to listen.

Tell a girlfriend how much you appreciate them today, because we are all in this together ❤ Xx

 

I seriously feel like all I do is feed Amaya. That three hours comes around oh so quickly.

Today I had to feed her on the side of a bridge and then later pull over on the side of the road. Planning your day around your baby’s feeds can be difficult, well, for me anyway. I have always had trouble when it comes to time management. I remember when I used to take my time getting ready to go anywhere, but now I am in a race against the clock to ensure that we reach our destination before Amaya’s next feed…or I have to drown out her screams with Justin Bieber. Plus her cry breaks my heart and makes it difficult to concentrate. So my hair is constantly in a messy bun (not even one that looks good), I have lost count of the amount of days that I have gone make up free and I often get to around lunchtime and realise that I am yet to eat breakfast. Or sometimes even drink water (!!!!) – anyone that knows me, knows that I am a massive water drinker.

So tonight I have made a decision to get my shit together. My routine is not working (sleeping in wastes so much time, and I don’t even have an excuse for it – Amaya sleeps through). So I am going to try my hardest to begin my day with a walk (of course I make this decision when it is so freaking hot at like 6am!) and have breakfast when I get home. I am going to try and have a conversation (with an adult, preferably one of my friends) that is of substance and where I feel like I have grown and benefited from this connection. I am going to rid my life of shit people, because I simply do not have the energy or time for that stuff anymore. I am going to do stuff to enrich my life, that brings happiness my way and that help me to grow so I can be the best version of myself for my little family.

I need to take care of myself, not only so I can be the best Mum I can be, but because I freaking matter too. Often, when we have little people in our lives, we tend to forget about ourselves. As a mother, I think that it is natural to put your children first, but we must remember that we come in at a close second.

So now that you have finished reading this, go have a bath or a glass of wine! You deserve it!

Edit: You don’t have to be Mum to deserve such self-care! It is essential for all!

Stay fabulous! Xx

 

 

 

 

Today I needed to feed Amaya, I was at a small shopping centre that I don’t think has a parent room. Anyway, it only has one lot of toilets and a bench was closer than the toilets, so I sat myself down on the bench, made Amaya’s bottle and we commenced her feed. As I fed Amaya, I watched the people coming and going. Majority of women that passed us smiled when they saw Amaya. It got me thinking about what they thought of when they saw a baby. Was it a genuinely happy smile that made them think of their own children, was it a nervous smile covering a tonne of bad memories because they are traumatised from having a baby and many sleepless nights (for years after I was a baby my Mum would freeze when she heard a baby cry, I was THAT bad), was it a smile covering the pain of the many failed IVF attempts or the fact that they simply cannot have children…or was it a smile, covering the sharp pain of a pregnancy loss.

One in four pregnancies, in Australia, result in miscarriage (The Sydney Morning Herald, 2012). The joy of finding out that there is life growing inside of you can be shattered by the terrible news that your little one, didn’t make it. Miscarriage can happen at any stage of pregnancy, and as my Doctor told me – “There is nothing you can do to cause a miscarriage, besides sticking a coat hanger up there. If it is going to happen, it is going to happen, it is not your fault”.

Two beautiful friends of mine, lost their precious baby to a miscarriage this week. When I learnt of the news, I burst into to tears. Sobbed actually. How is this fair? Why does this happen? I did struggle to find the words to comfort my friend, instead I just called her and cried. I couldn’t help it. My heart was broken. I was crying to let her know that I am here for her, that I am feeling the tiniest glimpse of her pain (I can only imagine how SHE feels) right beside her and that I will see her through this. Being one of the truly most magnificent people I know, she still told me that she loved seeing the photos of Amaya and that her husband always shoves his phone in her face to show her any new photos that I have put up on Instagram of Amaya. Now, I don’t know how I would be in this situation, but I imagine I wouldn’t be strong enough to discuss how much I love seeing photos of a baby when I am feeling such pain. Seriously, this woman is one of the strongest people I know. So is her husband. When I got off the phone to her, I cried some more. Miscarriage is a pretty fucking shitty thing. There will be another little babe, I know it. And that baby will be something pretty special. With these two, brilliant, beautiful souls as his or her parents, this babe is going to do big things.

I truly believe that God saves the soul of that little, precious baby and the soul lives on in your next child, the soul is just waiting for a stronger body. But holding on to the thought of your next child, does not make the pain of losing this baby go away. As soon as you conceive a baby, you are a mother or a father. You love and worry about a little person that you are yet to meet and the thought of never getting to meet them, well, the thought used to make me just tear up. As soon as I found out that I was pregnant with Amaya, I imagined what the baby would look like, what their little personality would be like and how our journey would be. The dream of one day being a mother, seems so unattainable for some and can cause great pain. Having a miscarriage can make women feel like they have failed, like there is something wrong with them.

We need to talk about miscarriage more, bring awareness to this painful experience, that happens oh too often. We, as women, need to come together and support, embrace and love one another to help us power on through the pain, to help us muster up the strength to push on and try again, while always remembering our babies that gained their angel wings before we met them.

Fly high little one.

 

Today I cried with Amaya in the carpark at Woolworths.

Yep.

It’s been a hard year. It’s been a hard week. I just want this year to be over. But today I was feeling good. This morning was good. I got a few things done around the house, which always makes me feel good (because when you have a baby, getting housework done gives you more sense of accomplishment than ever before!), then we went to my G’Ma’s. Amaya cried all the way to Woolworths (screamed!), at the lights before Woolworths I hear an almighty gag and then some gurgling…it all goes quiet. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. I immediately turn around and look at her in her mirror and all I see is white vomit all over her and her big brown eyes staring at me. When we got to Woolworths I have never jumped out of the car so fast and ran around to her door. I got her out, cuddled her and put her in the baby carrier. She was happy, she always is when she is so close to me. I go into woolies to get what I need (on the verge of tears) and head back to the car. As soon as Amaya sees her carseat she starts to whinge, I take her out of the baby carrier, talking baby talk to her in an attempt to make her smile before putting her in the carseat when I hit her head on the door. Good one. I paused to gage her reaction…she burst into tears. Then I burst into tears. Here we are, both crying beside the car as I mutter “I”m sorry, I’m sorry…” over and over. I go with it before gathering myself and putting her in the car. I call Teina, a blubbering mess, like legit sobbing. He calms me down & reminds me that we just have to keep going. Which is really the only thing we can do (he must think I am a real idiot sometimes, but luckily he keeps his thoughts to himself). I wipe away my tears and just take a moment…

I have always been an emotional person, but I didn’t prepare myself for this. Shit gets real when there is a little person who can take your day from amazing to shit in 10 seconds. Some days are good, some days are amazing and some days are challenging…but they are always unpredictable and we always get there in the end. So tonight, even though I lost a lot of whatever dignity I had left today in that carpark at Woolworths, I pat myself on the back. Sometimes life is scary, sometimes life is hard and you are allowed to have a cry once in a while, as long as you pick yourself up, count your blessings and move on with your day.

Edit: I actually went back to Woolworths on my way home from G’Ma’s to get some groceries for home. Gold star to me for being brave enough to show my face there again so soon. Not sure if it’s bravery or if I just don’t care anymore.