Time just needs to slow the heck down. A few months ago I had a little ball of cuddles, now I have a babe who doesn’t want to cuddle for long, but wants to move around, on the floor, allll the time. I swear she was just a baby the other day?

My poor babe crawls around the house, following me, and by the time she reaches me, I am finished doing what I am doing and I am off to the next room. It’s near impossible to get anything done, as I always have to keep an eye on her (even though she is following me, she is easily distracted by pretty much anything haha) as she moves so quickly.

 

The other day I was cleaning out her drawers and found some of her clothes that no longer fit. I remember the day when NO clothes fit her, now she is almost out of double zero’s. As I removed her clothes from the drawers, I had a few seconds staring at some of my favourites. I was a little sad that she will never be that little again. She will never wear these clothes again. The days and nights that I spent cot-side, at the NICU, willing her to grow, seem just like yesterday. How can she have grown so much, in what feels like a few weeks? Whilst I have been super lucky to have a ‘tiny’ baby for so long, her brain and abilities are no reflection of her size.

Though she may be tiny, her cuddles are far and few between, my tiny pocket rocket is so keen to explore and to learn about her world. How bloody amazing is that? We have these little humans and WE get the privilege of showing them the world, what is even more fun, is when you explore the world with them.

 

With her first birthday vastly approaching, I have definitely felt many emotions, when I take a trip down memory lane, to one year ago. This time last year, I was in & out of hospital. I was so unsure of what the future held and to say I was petrified, would be a massive understatement. The intensity of each emotion, was insane. I had created a human, my body had grown her and any day now, I was going to meet her…and who knew what that meeting would be like.

So tomorrow, instead of rushing from room to room, to get things done, we are going to explore. The washing can wait, nature is where it’s at…we’ll probably look at some flowers, put them in our mouths…along with everything else we see. Each moment, is the first and last time I will have that moment with her. Each single one is precious.

B Xo

Teina is still away. This has been a very long two weeks for us, we miss him terribly (three fricken sleeps!). I miss his company, but I also really miss knowing that I have back up. Someone I can offload Amaya to when he gets home and not feel guilty about it. Someone to help me at dinner/bath/bottle time, everyday.

Tonight Amaya shit front to back (spilling out of the nappy) at the same time that she had too much food in her mouth, gagged and vomited. ALL over herself. It was horrid. For me, not for her – immediately after she vomited, she did her funny little dance that she does when she waves her arms around in the air. Absolutely no fucks given. I am so grateful that she is so laid back and overall, she is a really good baby, but doing it solo is a tough gig.

As wonderful as my parents are, they aren’t always available to help me at the times that I need help the most, plus – Amaya is not their responsibility. And I feel that. I can’t expect them to help me, like I expect Teina to. I can’t expect them to give me a break, like I can expect Teina to. It’s just not that same.

Some people may find caring for a baby on their own, so super easy. But not me. Her rolling over when I am trying to change her nappy/dress her, irritates me (so now throw vom and poo into the mix with a rolling baby…yeah…what a hoot!). The fact that she thinks that is so funny, also frustrates me, because that tells me that it’s not going to stop anytime soon. The rest of the day, I cope quite well. Between 5 – 6:30pm is hard to do on your own, especially now because she doesn’t just stay in one spot when you put her down. This can also work in my favour, as I put her down and while she crawls from her room to the bathroom for her bath (yes, she really is a very good girl) I run around and get her towel, her face washer and meet her beside the bath, just in time for her arrival.

So the other night, I needed a break, so I took some time out to chat to an old friend on the phone for three hours (eeppp, I talk a lot). I crawled into bed at around midnight and Amaya woke up around midnight. Amaya was then awake until 2:50am – happy – just chatting away, squealing, waving, trying to repeat things I was saying – it was so odd. Amaya has never been that awake before during the night. Usually a cuddle and/or bottle send her back to dreamland within minutes, but not this morning. I was actually thinking that it was like she possessed. I don’t know if her brain was doing some serious development stuff, but she looked wired. Needless to say, then when she awoke at 7:30am (at least she slept in, right!) I was wrecked. Lesson learnt. The following day was pretty good, I don’t often struggle during the day (besides being tired if I don’t get enough sleep!), Amaya is a pretty awesome babe. Witching hour takes it out of me and then come Amaya’s bedtime, I  can’t wait to get her bottles etc. done, so I can have some time to myself.

Every night it is a battle between ‘me’ time & sleep. Tonight I am choosing sleep, as who knows if we will have another party time at midnight.

I wish you all lots of sleep!

B Xo

P.S. So many other Mumma’s have offered me support and advice on how to do this parenting gig solo! Don’t be afraid to ask for help! There is a whole sisterhood (or…Mother…hood…?) out there, all you need to do is reach out!