Let me begin by saying that I think everyone knows what ‘tired’ feels like, not just Mum’s. But I never knew tiredness like I did until I had a baby. A few years back I was rocking some serious dark circles due to a string of late nights and early mornings, my friend – a mother of two – watched me as I mumbled “Farrrr I am tired…” these words were muffled through a yawn. She continued to stare blankly at me and after a few seconds she said, “you know how you feel right now?” – I nodded –  still yawning – “that is how you feel ALL THE TIME (there was a lot of emphasis on ‘all the time’…) when you are a Mother”, she said as she laughed at my ridiculousness. I laughed and shared that sleep deprivation was my biggest fear (hahaha I was so naive) of having a baby. Now, it is one of my fears. Luckily, we did sleep training and Amaya usually sleeps 11 – 12 hours straight a night, but that doesn’t make us ‘party through the night’ proof. Lately, Amaya has been waking up due to teething and it has taken me riiiiiight back to the beginning. As a Mother, we eventually don’t think we are feeling tired because we have adjusted to broken sleep & forget what it feels like to feel fully rested. It becomes the norm. It’s when broken sleep and lack of sleep, team up that it really knocked me for six. After a long time, the broken sleep teamed with sleep deprivation can open us up to an array 0f things – we are more susceptible to mental illness, the sleep deprivation can cause you and your partner to turn on each other, it can affect your social life, the way you see yourself and your worth….and the list really does go on.

Even though we all know what tiredness feels like, when I was suffering from sleep deprivation, the only people that I felt that truly understood my pain, were other Mothers. I mean, sure, my partner saw the tears and he heard the yelling (sorry T!), but I let him sleep, cos you know, he has to work tomorrow.

He really does have to work, and he does drive far, so I did let him sleep by choice, as I felt that he was a danger to himself and anyone else on the road, if he were sleep deprived. But what bugs me, is that people think that if you are a stay at home Mum or you are on maternity leave, that it doesn’t matter if you get no sleep because you get to stay home all day. Someone once said to me “That’s ok though, cos you don’t have to work tomorrow”. Oh yep, you are absolutely right. I get to stay in bed all day and sleep when I want. I don’t have a baby to care for, bottles to sterilize or a million spew clothes to wash.

Truth is, it’s bloody hard. It’s testing and you can feel alone at times. But it’s worth it. All of it. It’s all worth it when they kiss you for the first time, when they cuddle you, when they smile at you and when you know that their love for you is so genuine. Dark circles, no make up, spew clothes and all – they still love you. Even though we encounter challenges of all sorts, through our journey of motherhood, it makes it a lot better when you have some awesome Mumma’s walking there right beside you. You can cry because you are so tired and not feel like such a dick, you can talk about how tired you are all the time, poo and many other bodily fluids that you wear as often as you used to wear perfume and when Kmart has a new baby range, without fearing that you have become the Mum/friend you promised yourself you wouldn’t become.

 

Baby cuddles + wonderful friends = you can conquer anything. You got this Mumma!

B Xo

 

A few weeks ago I left Amaya in the safe hands of my parents and I returned to work two days a week. The first two weeks were a struggle, I seriously wondered how I ever worked full time! I was bloody wrecked. It’s amazing how quickly your brain/body adapts to your new activities (of course unless it’s fitness, that shit takes forever. Laziness tho…instant!) I joke, I joke. Being a Mum is rough, you are always on the go, it is very hard to be a lazy parent. Although, they are out there…before anyone jumps down my throat, ask me next time you see me and I can tell you some pretty quality stories. Coke in baby bottles. Coffee in a child’s water bottle. Anyway, I am trying to find compassionate Bree, have you seen her? Maybe don’t ask me about those stories…well…you can, but also ask me how I have found compassion towards these parents. And making a coffee for your child isn’t lazy, it’s more work than filling it up with water…anyyyyway, being a Mum has made me more compassionate in areas that I am surprised at (…and sometimes less compassionate in socially acceptable areas, hence why I am looking for compassionate Bree). I think becoming a Mum has sent me more off into the land of emotional reactions purely based on current emotions. When that Mumma killed her baby last year and dumped her body in a creek (ok, I was shocked at how I wrote that too, but struggling to find more gentle words and the baby is going to wake up soon! Running.Out.Of.Time!!!). I was all like “Oh no. Their life must have been terrible. Imagine how bad it was, for her to think her daughter was better off dead. I feel so sorry for that woman. No one would kill their child unless they thought they were better off dead.” I think my brother thought I had well and truly lost my marbles, as he obviously doesn’t have his little Mumma cap on. I not only have my Mumma cap on these days, but it has to sit on top my cancerian cap, that I have worn all my life. They are a fun combo, let me tell you. I see Amaya in like every animal I see and can’t bare to watch any Facebook videos on animals or babies being hurt. I could barely get through them dry-eyed pre-Mumma cap, but let me tell you, I don’t watch Facebook videos in public for good reason.

Absolute.

Sobbing.

Mess.

The Mumma cap never comes off. Even when I am sans Amaya. I am a different educator, because I wear my Mumma cap to work (duuuh, I wear it bloody everywhere!). Becoming a Mum has changed the core of my soul, and I am glad it did. To be a Mum is an absolute blessing.

To leave Amaya with my parents so I can go educate and care for other little people, seems so ridiculous. But even tho I am working with children, it is children other than Amaya. I find that having a ‘break’ from Amaya has made me a better Mum. I am more patient and I appreciate our Mummy/Amaya days. Amaya on the other hand, I am not so sure has such a positive view on our new routine. Unfortunately, we cannot spend every moment together, that’s life – but it is still a little heartbreaking.