One of the questions I get asked the most is “So is Motherhood what you expected? Has it changed you?”. Is it what I expected? I don’t know what I expected, but yeh I love Amaya a lot – I expected that. Has it changed me – hell yes. Just the other day Facebook shared with me all of the people who I became friends with on Facebook in 2015, it also showed me all of the people who deleted me in 2015.
I used to take the Facebook delete quite personally (unless I didn’t like you, then I kind of felt relieved that I didn’t have to do the deleting), but now I honestly do not care one little bit.
I truly don’t. It’s liberating. For a Cancerian whose feelings could be hurt by just a glance, this is brilliant. Having a baby just makes you stronger and realise that petty shit just does not matter. I have also learnt to say ‘no’ a little more than usual. I almost always felt obligated to do things that would make other people happy, now I just do not have the time or the energy to waste on doing things that I simply, do no want to do. My time is so precious, especially if its baby-free time…then I want to spend that time with my friends, connecting with them and not being interrupted every five minutes by a baby who needs something from me.
Becoming a Mother has been a little overwhelming at times and recently I realised that I had lost my way in regards to my relationship with myself. So I took some time, and a lot of tears, to think about what I needed to get me back on track and I have already started to put that into play and will definitely continue to put it into play in 2016. When your job is 24 hours a day, it’s exhausting and requires a lot of energy – so I need to stop wasting my energy on shit that is no longer important. My life changed when I had Amaya, so of course the things I disperse energy to are going to change.
I always remember that scene from ‘Sex & The City’ where Carrie rings Miranda with one of her usual men sagas, Miranda listened for a while before blurting out “I don’t have time for this, call one of your other friends that doesn’t have a child”. I always found that scene a little shocking, like “well fuck, just cos you had a baby you don’t abandon your friends”, but I get it now…your energy levels are always going up & down, depending of course on the day/night that you have with your babe. Please do not get me wrong, I fricken love chatting to my friends and hearing their dramas, but I realise now that timing is everything. Plus I want to give you my undivided attention, so I don’t half hear the story.
I really feel like you spend a lot of motherhood in survival mode. Like coffee has helped me through some long ass days. I have burst into tears many a time, just because I am so effing wrecked. I get so scattered when I am exhausted, I almost become like a child who is so unsure of what they want so they just cry. If I am hungry too, this is just a situation that could easily become out of control at any given moment. The thing that scares me the most when I am like that, is the fact that Amaya needs me…she needs ME. I have to pull myself together and fast (pre-baby I could take all the damn time in the world to pull myself together because no one was relying on me), but she has needs and they need to be met.
I try my hardest to be entirely authentic when it comes to my experiences, so now I am going to share with you some positive experiences that I have had since becoming a Mother…
The way she looks at me. I know that I am her favourite person in the entire world. This might be the first time that anyone has loved me so purely…this feeling is the best feeling in the world. Amaya LOVES her Dad, but he gets cheeky Amaya – like he is who she wants to have fun with, Mum is there for cuddles and kisses.
Her smile. Oh my gawwwsh her smile is amazing. And she smiles a lot – the fact that she is a happy baby just makes me feel like I am doing an amazing job (she flashes me her smile when I am crying, at first I thought she was happy that I was crying but then I didn’t care – her smile made my tears turn from sad and tired to happy and that feeling that my heart is full). I am forever grateful for this blessing!
She is a good baby. I feel like she is working with me, not against me. Sometimes I feel like their state of being is a reflection of your parenting style and your energy (excluding medical conditions, but I still think your energy can make these situations better or worse). If you are nervous, they will feel unsafe and therefore cry. I feel like this is definitely the case with Amaya and through discussions with other Mother’s I have come to this conclusion.
They bring Christmas back. Now I have always loved Christmas and Santa, but I have not been so keen for Santa photos – ever before. Today Amaya got Santa photos done with her cousins – eeeee!!!! – so effing cute (see photo below for super cuteness!!). I am so glad that Amaya has cousins so close in age, to her. I am so close to my cousins – they are your first friends, and in my case, still some of my closest friends. This photo is a result of a lot of effort, Jonelle was not keen on Santa (Totally understandable, I think those beards are ridiculous & scary!) needless to say, Ellè & I were super proud of this photo and so in love with it.
I feel beyond blessed to have Amaya in my life and I am so stoked that she chose us to be her parents! As much as I am exhausted and my eyes have bags now as a permanent fixture to my face (Amaya might sleep, but it has been an exhausting year), I am so happy & my heart is so full. She is just divine and I just love her.