Today I cried with Amaya in the carpark at Woolworths.

Yep.

It’s been a hard year. It’s been a hard week. I just want this year to be over. But today I was feeling good. This morning was good. I got a few things done around the house, which always makes me feel good (because when you have a baby, getting housework done gives you more sense of accomplishment than ever before!), then we went to my G’Ma’s. Amaya cried all the way to Woolworths (screamed!), at the lights before Woolworths I hear an almighty gag and then some gurgling…it all goes quiet. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. I immediately turn around and look at her in her mirror and all I see is white vomit all over her and her big brown eyes staring at me. When we got to Woolworths I have never jumped out of the car so fast and ran around to her door. I got her out, cuddled her and put her in the baby carrier. She was happy, she always is when she is so close to me. I go into woolies to get what I need (on the verge of tears) and head back to the car. As soon as Amaya sees her carseat she starts to whinge, I take her out of the baby carrier, talking baby talk to her in an attempt to make her smile before putting her in the carseat when I hit her head on the door. Good one. I paused to gage her reaction…she burst into tears. Then I burst into tears. Here we are, both crying beside the car as I mutter “I”m sorry, I’m sorry…” over and over. I go with it before gathering myself and putting her in the car. I call Teina, a blubbering mess, like legit sobbing. He calms me down & reminds me that we just have to keep going. Which is really the only thing we can do (he must think I am a real idiot sometimes, but luckily he keeps his thoughts to himself). I wipe away my tears and just take a moment…

I have always been an emotional person, but I didn’t prepare myself for this. Shit gets real when there is a little person who can take your day from amazing to shit in 10 seconds. Some days are good, some days are amazing and some days are challenging…but they are always unpredictable and we always get there in the end. So tonight, even though I lost a lot of whatever dignity I had left today in that carpark at Woolworths, I pat myself on the back. Sometimes life is scary, sometimes life is hard and you are allowed to have a cry once in a while, as long as you pick yourself up, count your blessings and move on with your day.

Edit: I actually went back to Woolworths on my way home from G’Ma’s to get some groceries for home. Gold star to me for being brave enough to show my face there again so soon. Not sure if it’s bravery or if I just don’t care anymore.