We’ve all been there. That awkward situation where someone tells you something that involves one of your besties or is about your bestie, that you wish you never knew. Now that you have this information, what do you do with it? Do you keep it to yourself, lock it far away never to be thought of again? Do you consult with another bestie to see what they think you should do? Or do you tell your friend? The decision is never easy.

I remember when I was in this situation and I was ropeable. Furious that I had been involved. What, so now I have to be the bearer of bad news? Betray my friend to keep your secret? What makes me even more upset is when this could potentially cause a problem between me & my friend, when I am completely innocent.

Never in a million years would I ever want to be the one to break my friends heart. Telling your friend such hurtful things is never a conversation you want to have. These kind of situations have you thinking about them for ages. Is it worth it? Does it really matter? Will it matter in five years? Am I reading too much into it? Do they really need to know? Will telling your friend actually help them or just hurt them? My friendships mean the absolute world to me, my friends are my sunshine & my soul mates…I try my best to handle their feelings & emotions with care, therefore I don’t make decisions that regard their feelings lightly & I always try to make a decisions based on what I think is in their best interest.

 

“She is my friend. She’s my family. My insides. She will be fine because she has to be fine. That is how important she is to me” – Carrie

 

I was in this one particular situation and I had no idea how to handle it. I wish that I had stuck it to the hater. I had my chance, but out of shock and lack of experience, I just didn’t say anything. I felt like I had let my friend down. I was afraid that if I was rude to this person, that I would cause a problem. So even though I thought they were an asshole, I still continued to be polite to this person. Another situation was that something had gotten out about a personal journey one of my friends was on, I didn’t know how and I didn’t know who knew…I just knew that now someone I knew, knew. Did I tell my friend? No. Simply because I didn’t have enough information. What was my friend going to do about it anyway? We would not have even known where to go from here. So to save her the unnecessary drama, & worry, I kept it to myself. I felt that it was in her best interest to stay focused on her journey, not who knew about it.

I always find the line between minding my own business and being honest, blurry. What if I just think it’s a big deal? Will I be labelled a trouble maker? Am I enabling rumours to be spread? Am I giving the haters a voice or the satisfaction? Why did this person tell me this? Is it even true? 

Over the years, I have learnt that each situation needs to be handled differently, depending on what your friend is like. Are they so chill that they wouldn’t care? If they are, then why tell them something that may hurt their feelings for no reason? If they are super sensitive then maybe invite them over for a coffee – don’t deliver the news in public. Have chocolate and wine waiting! One thing that we often mistake for loyalty & being a good friend, is when we feel the need to tell our friend absolutely everything you have heard that involves them, when actually – protecting them from potential untruths, not buying into other people’s bullshit & bad energy makes you a better friend. Let’s be honest, a game of Chinese whispers has shown us, from childhood, just how easily stories can change and things can be taken out of context.

Upon reflection & after many episodes of ‘Sex & The City’, I am happy with the way I handled the situations. I think deep down you always know if you really need to tell your friend. I have since learnt that this ‘asshole’ is not really an asshole, but socially awkward & says things that they think are funny, while making people uncomfortable, but not meaning any harm. When I came to this realisation, I was glad that I kept my mouth shut and made the right decision for my friend. As I have gotten older though, I have grown and feel that I would definitely speak up more & stick it to the hater. If it does end up being a misunderstanding, the hater, if they are a decent person, will understand you defending your friend. Friendships always have and always will be important to me. I truly care about my friends, therefore one thing will always stand, I will always hate being put in that situation…

“Friendships don’t magically last forty years …you have to invest in them.” – Carrie

 

 

When the time came to start Amaya on solids, I had a lot of questions. My friend Monica Hodges, who has studied nutrition (among other things…click on her name to visit her website or click here to visit her Facebook page), gave me a lot of helpful tips. I found them so useful when making good food choices for Amaya, therefore I asked Monica to write a blog so I could share this knowledge with you all….

 

The do’s & don’ts when it comes to nutrition- By Monica Hodges

In children, good nutrition is essential for normal growth and development. It also plays an important role in providing resistance to infection and disease. When a child is properly nourished, it means that they are being given all the essential nutrients for health and wellbeing.

Vitamins, minerals and water all regulate body functions. Fats and Carbohydrates provide energy. Proteins also provide energy, as well as build body tissue.

It’s recommended that we use the healthy eating model on the Nutrition Australia website as a guide. When feeding our children though, it is also important to be aware of the lengths food companies will go to for big profits. Products aimed and advertised directly to and for children, these are not always healthy and quite often are highly processed, containing little or no nutritional content. The supermarket aisles are full of products, which contain too much sugar, salt, food additives and preservatives.

When food shopping, check food labels for excess sugar in products like juice, cordial, fizzy drinks, cereals, cereal bars, canned fruits, hazelnut spreads, flavoured milk and dairy desserts. The proportion of sugar in foods is listed by ranking in the ingredients list, on the product packaging. If sugar is listed as a first, second, or third in the ingredients list, it is probably a good idea to avoid that particular product. Also, any more than 15g of sugars per 100g on the nutritional panel is considered too much sugar. Other names that come under the category of added sugars are: dextrose, fructose, glucose, golden syrup, sucrose, malt, maltose, lactose, maple syrup, brown sugar, sucrose and raw sugar. Always buy unsweetened juices and wholegrain cereal products where sugar has not been added. And fresh unprocessed produce is always better.

Salt (which is by chemical name sodium chloride), is included in many processed foods for preservation and for flavouring. Smoked foods like ham and bacon usually have large amounts of salt added. Snack foods like chips, crackers and processed cheeses can contain a lot of salt. As well as canned fish and anchovies. Tuna in springwater is a better choice than tuna in brine. Be aware of products which have sodium sources, listed as ‘sodium’ or ‘monosodium glutamate’, ‘baking soda’ and ‘baking powder’ in ingredients lists. There is also a variety of flavoured salts which can be added into products eg. chicken salt, celery salt or onion salt. Look into reduced salt versions of products that you normally buy, for example tomato based products, pasta sauces, canned tomatoes and other canned products. Foods which have less than 120mg of sodium per 100g on the products nutritional panel are considered best.

Because of the rate at which toddlers grow, reduced fat dairy products do not contain enough nutrient content and energy for children under two years of age. It is recommended that reduced fat milk and dairy products only be given to children over 5 years of age. Reduced fat products can be offered after the age of two, as long as they are getting a range of fats from a wide variety of foods.

 

Which food additives to avoid:

1. Artificial sweetening substances.

These are found in drinks, sweets, chewing gum, biscuits, even some diet yoghurts. These substances are listed on product labels as ‘Aspartame’, ‘Saccharin’ and ‘Cylamate’. There has been some public concern in recent years, about the health implications with regular consumption of products containing artificial sweeteners. Reduced sugar or low calorie soft drinks often contain artificial sweeteners so please check the product label.

 

2. Flavour Enhancers.

The best known flavour enhancer is monosodium glutamate or 621. It is in a lot of processed foods like flavoured packet soups and noodles, canned foods and potato chips. Other enhancers used in packaged foods are ‘sodium inosinate 631’ and ‘sodium guanylate 627’. There has been some public concern regarding the effects flavour enhancers, in general, have on our health and the possible behavioural effects in children. These are not allowed to be present in infant foods so best to be avoided if possible.

 

3. Bleaching agents.

Try to always buy unbleached flour for baking. Unbleached flour is more yellowish in colour than bleached flour. If the bleaching is done chemically, the chemicals used in the bleaching process can be chlorine, chlorine dioxide and benzoyl peroxide. If a flour is unbleached, it will usually be put on the front of the flour packaging.

 

4. Nitrates.

Though not really classified as a ‘food additive’, nitrates are worth a mentioning. Based on the results of a recent study, the World Health Organisation has classified processed meat as carcinogenic to humans. Different preservation methods used in processing meat could result in the formation of N-nitroso compounds (Nitrates). These are considered carcinogenic – linked to cancer. ‘Processed’ meat refers to meats that have been salted, cured, fermented and smoked. Hot Dogs (frankfurters), salami, ham and kabana are all considered processed meats. The recommendation is to reduce or moderate the consumption of these types of meats. Fresh, cooked meat is considered a healthier alternative. If you would like more information please refer to the World Health Organisation website.

Nutritionists recommend to buy wholegrain, unprocessed cereals and brown rice products, as well as fresh fruit and vegetables, instead of the canned options. The least amount of handling a food has had, the better. Having said this, I don’t think that there is anything wrong with using snap frozen vegetables when time is limited. Mashed avocado can be a very healthy spread for bread but if avocado isn’t available, butter is better because it is natural. Plain tasty cheese from the cold section in a supermarket, and is a better choice than processed cheese. Hummas is a healthy dip for carrot, cucumber or celery sticks. Plain natural yoghurt is far healthier than the already sweetened varieties and can be eaten with fresh fruit. When you need to use a natural sweetener, Stevia is a good alternative to sugar.

Home baking is always going to be far healthier than the store bought options (muffins, cakes, biscuits, muesli bars etc) because you always know what is in your own baking. Look at the ingredients list on the back of a cake mix, can you see all the numbers and additives? Make large batches of your own home baking and freeze if you can. The same goes for baby food…home made vegetable mashes, frozen, are far better than store bought jars of baby food. Chemical free, organic produce is the ideal, but not everyone can afford it. It’s about trying to keep yours and your child’s diet as natural as possible.

Food definitely has changed a lot in the last 100 years. Our ancestors would raise their own animals for meat, or buy meat and dairy very locally. A lot of meat was eaten, but meat had a higher nutrient value because it was grass fed meat. Fruits and vegetables were also home farmed or grown locally. Highly processed food was non-existent and breads were homemade. Next time you visit the supermarket or order your groceries, question the variety of foods available. Some would say that we are lucky to have such an abundance and variety of different foods. Unfortunately though, our great grandparents, as children, wouldn’t recognise a lot of these options as food.

When I was wheeled into the NICU, along the looooong hallway, which was filled with women who walked slumped over due to delivery via c-section, all with tired faces, I had no idea what to expect. I was about to meet my baby for the first time, over 24 hours after she was born. What would she look like? How small would she be? Would she be crying? Would she know I was there? Truth be told, she cried all day after she was born. I was in the ICU as my platelets were low and because I had been put under for the delivery. Do you know how hard that was for me to hear that she was crying? “Ahh yes, your baby is crying, in fact she has been crying all day.” I couldn’t do a damn thing about my little baby, who was still meant to be inside me, crying. Even if I could be beside her, I couldn’t hold her.

I was instructed on how to wash my hands, standing up out of that wheelchair after a c-section was almost as challenging as staring through a piece of glass that separated me from my baby. Only a NICU parent understands how much distance a pane of glass can create. After the hand washing, I was wheeled to her cot-side. I couldn’t see her face because of the the C-PAP. I was overcome with emotion but I also felt numb. This moment was not how I imagined it would be.  Prior to this, I had been crying because a dear friend of mine, who I had shared a room with while I was in hospital (forever roomies!), had lost one of her wonderful little twins the morning Amaya was born. The emotional rollercoaster of the NICU had already begun (all my love to you Jodie 💙 💙)…

I stared at Amaya, fighting back the tears, covering my pain by cracking jokes and laughing with the nurses. Amaya was stable. What does that even mean? Can that change instantly? When I wasn’t cot-side, I was being taught how to express. Taking those first bags of milk down to the NICU was the first time I felt like I was helping Amaya. I would spend my days & nights going from my room where I would express, back down to the NICU where I would sit with my girl and chat to the nurses. Four days after having Amaya a midwife comes into my room & says “we are going to discharge you today, I am sorry, we can’t keep you if we don’t have a medical reason”, I almost happily packed my bags, as I was so excited to be getting out of the hospital after being in & out for two months. The nurses let Teina & I put my bags into a cupboard while we went down to say ‘see you later’ to Amaya….

Walking the hall down to her cot, Teina & I joked about who had had c-sections, as the women were all walking just like me. Slooooowly & hunched over. Teina kept talking to me as he knew if he stopped there would more likely be tears. We said see you later, told Amaya that we loved her and that we would be back the next day. As we went to collect my bags, I told Teina that I just wanted to make sure that she had enough milk. We both knew that she did, but I needed a moment alone with my girl. I stared at her through the glass, told her that I loved her & that I would be back first thing in the morning. Walking out of the room was the bravest thing I have ever done, fighting back the tears was almost impossible. You should never have to leave your baby so soon…

I was quiet the whole way home. I kept myself distracted that afternoon by hunting down an electric breast pump, I had no idea how often I would be attached to that thing. I called the NICU at least twice that night & couldn’t wait for the morning to come. The next day they removed some lines from Amaya’s tummy, my job was to hold her hands so she didn’t try to grab the lines and pull them. As I held her tiny, TINY hands I looked down at her little face. She was crying, as removing the lines is painful. Our eyes locked and the stare felt like it lasted forever. It’s like she was crying and looking at me to help her, to stop the pain. I had to look away before I burst into tears.

I spent a lot of my days sipping on coffee at the hospital cafe. I would sit there and watch the families go with their new babies, at first I would cry discreetly, but as the days went on, I didn’t care. I didn’t even try to hide it. This was one of the most difficult things to see on a daily basis. I had my moment and then I pulled myself together, cos I had to be strong for our girl.

A week went by and finally I had cuddles. Holding her for the first time was the best feeling, but it also reminded me of how small she was. Watching the nurses take her out of the isolette and Amaya coming towards me was crazy, she was so tiny. My first cuddle was for two hours, but I could have held her forever. As I sat there cuddling her, I would look around the room. There would be mother’s expressing milk and alarms going off. I had an oversupply of milk & ended up with Mastitis three flippin’ times. I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone. But others were not so lucky. There was this one Mum, she would express for an hour and be lucky to get 20mls. One day one of the nurses asked her if she had any more bags of milk, she told them that she had been to the Doctor’s that morning about increasing her supply. The nurse said “Ok, well your baby is now on donor milk until we get some more of yours”, the Mother’s face showed her disappointment and pain. Providing your baby with YOUR breastmilk is the only thing you can do for them. That day, was one of the many days that I cried by Amaya’s cot.

We celebrated cracking a kilo, this was a big moment for me. Now she is almost six kilos, I never thought she would be that big. We celebrated graduating rooms and we celebrated going into an open cot. This meant I could pick her up as much as I wanted. The joy this brought me is impossible to explain. When you have a baby in the NICU you are robbed of so many things – changing their first nappy, giving them their first feed and eventually giving them their first bottle. You are so overjoyed for their progress, but it is a bittersweet moment.

I was always told that the babies knew when their parents were there, many nurses told me that the babies who do the best are usually the babies whose parents visit often. I read to Amaya and I sang to her all the time. Each night Teina & I would go up there and read her a bedtime story. I wanted her to hear my voice and to know that I was there. I still remember when my sister-in-law met Amaya for the first time, as we stood around her cot chatting, my sister-in-law all of a sudden burst into tears. Puzzled, I asked why she was crying – she responded “every time you talk, Amaya looks up towards you, she knows your voice.” I spoke and looked down and there were her big brown eyes, no lashes and no eyebrows, staring up at me. Once again, I fought back those tears…

For just over seven long weeks Amaya was in the NICU & SCN. Going back & forth each day and night was exhausting, but I would do anything for Amaya. Expressing is exhausting. The day I got to carry her out of the hospital, I walked past and gave a comforting smile to the NICU Mum’s at the cafe, I prayed it would be their turn soon. As the sunlight hit her face, I told her that this was the world and it is amazing just like her. I was filled with happiness that I had never felt before.

The NICU is an unstable world, you never know what each day will bring. I would walk in through the NICU doors each day, wearing my biggest smile, in hope to bring some joy to anyone who saw me. Those hallways could tell a million stories. I saw parents crying in theses hallways, which was really hard. I cried with parents and I chatted to parents, these people understood me and exactly how I was feeling. We comforted each other, we laughed and we shared our stories. The nurses would join in and for a brief moment, I would forget where I was and my laugh would be genuine & happy. There is a lot of sadness in the NICU, but there are some wonderful people and Amaya & I have made some lifelong friends from our journey in the NICU.

 

 

I love social media, but it has has an effect on me, I didn’t know this until I deactivated my Facebook for three months.

I decided I needed a break from Facebook, just to see how my life was without it. There were some good points and some bad points. Bad points – you miss out on a lot of stuff and you are the last to know everything. I found the good points to be that I was happier, I had more time to really connect with others, your real friends call or text you and my energy was different.

People use Facebook to vent, to write status’ about people (this is such a pet hate of mine, if I see someone write a status about someone I automatically think they are an idiot), to show off, to share stuff, to be nasty and to be fake. It provides a safe haven for the keyboard warriors (which are so ridiculous?! Why are we so full of hate?). The old Facebook delete can cause all sorts of problems too, it’s like if someone deletes you they have cut you out of their life for good. I also always believe that a sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook. I have never understood why people write lovey dovey stuff on each other’s walls (apart from birthdays etc.) – like can’t you text or pm them? Why do you want us all to see this? What are you trying to prove? I also found that reading other peoples negative shit made my energy different. I don’t enjoy reading you whinge about your boyfriend (that’s private and shouldn’t be on Facebook anyway), or that you just had a fight with your Mum (another private matter) etc. I do agree that people choose to post what they want, so their lives can come across as perfect. But I also disagree with this – I choose to only post positive stuff and to praise Teina, my family and my friends, so while it might seem that I don’t fight with my family or Teina, I do, I just don’t believe that you all need to read/know about it. It’s funny tho, when people do write status’ about other people, people often brush it off by saying “Oh they’re young”, which I think is a silly excuse. My cousin is 15 years old and she would never write a status about someone, she is better than that. It always brings me back to that Destiny’s child song lyric – “You know I’m not gonna diss you on the internet, cos my Mama taught me better than that”.

I spend a lot of time on social media, even when I deactivated Facebook I have always kept Instagram. Instagram just has a better vibe, I feel. I also love snapchat. I waste so much time on my phone. My G’Ma told me once that she finds it rude when people visit her and spend their time on their phone (when she told me this I had my phone in my hand – hint much?), so I try (unsuccessfully sometimes, as it is such a habit) to not use my phone too much when I am with her, and everyone else for that matter. I am pretty hopeless, as Teina will tell you, so I am going to try and make more of an effort to actually connect with the person sitting across for me, rather than sit in silence together and connect with everyone in a total non-personal manner through my phone.

In saying all of this, Facebook has some really good points. As soon as you go on Facebook you know everything that is going on in the world. It is great for staying in touch with everyone. It was a saviour when I had Amaya – friends from my past contacted me to share their stories with me and to offer to help (bless). I could keep everyone updated with her progress, rather than informing everyone individually – which would have taken ages. It also helped me escape and pass the time as I sat next to her cot as she slept.

Basically, Facebook made me anti-social by taking my attention away from the people sitting right in front of me. While we are being ‘social’ on social media, we are disconnecting from life and the people around us. We are no longer living, but living through the social media world. I believe that social media is fantastic, if used properly and in moderation – the problem isn’t social media, it’s us.
B Xx

P.s. Amaya is asleep, so I am not on here and not connecting with her! Ha!

 

 

 

I always thought I would be a cool Mum. I thought that I would have my shit together, I would go to the gym (haha I didn’t go to the gym much before I was pregnant, whyyyy would I think I would go now? I am reading Khloè Kardashians book ‘Strong Looks Better Naked’ to try and get my mindset right…) & I would learn to be organised. I mean, if Mum’s of twins and triplets can do it, then surely I can easily survive ONE baby? Right? RIGHT?

Right and wrong.

Motherhood is hard, amazing and a lot more spiritual than one would imagine. You are forever trying to connect to and stay connected to another being. Amaya is seriously a fantastic baby, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t encounter challenges. I always thought that I would have her in bed by 6:30pm and give her a dream feed at 10:30pm and then I would sleep the entire night through and get up the next morning, go for a walk and just be amazing for the rest of the day. This was the case for a while (walks some mornings and amazing most days ha) but then something changed. It’s like she got smarter. She knew what she wanted (sleep on me) and what she didn’t want (to sleep in her cot). Hmm. I put it down to four month sleep regression (she is almost five months corrected). But it feels like it is never going to end. The other day she slept for 3.5 hours DURING THE DAY (that never happens!) and then the next day….cat naps. On me. Today – cat naps, once again – on me. Once I put her down her eyes snap open and her stare speaks for her – are you seriously putting me down right now?! Amaya is a better sleeper at night, but will wake for a cuddle once or twice. I am hoping that sleeping through the night will return to us very soon!

Instead of the amazing, together Mum I imagined I would be, I am a tired, slightly emotional, make-up less, dag. She vomits on me daily and sometimes shits on me (ALWAYS when we are out). I honestly thought pregnancy stole all my dignity but it wasn’t until I was in public covered in someone else’s bodily fluids that I realised that there was still some more dignity to be lost. To my surprise, I didn’t care as much as I thought I would (the poo really was almost too much though). In saying that though, I still think I am pretty amazing. We spend so much time focusing on our weakness’ and our flaws that we don’t notice that we really are amazing, all the time.

“You are enough exactly as you are in this very moment and every moment” – Teal Swan

I have started taking more time for myself, like when I need a break, I take it. Whether that be reading, watching a spiritual teaching or just sitting there. When you just have to care for yourself your entire energy goes into caring for yourself (which can be exhausting too, so I encourage taking breaks too), but when you are a Mum, your energy is divided between your needs, your baby’s needs, and then you also have a partner to throw into the mix. Sometimes, I don’t have a lot left to give, so therefore just sitting there in silence helps recharge my batteries. Today I needed that break, I started to feel the tears coming on (nothing some alone time & an acai bowl won’t fix). I was also getting a bit down because even though Amaya is premature, I wanted to work really hard to ensure that she met all milestones of her corrected age. She is almost five months old and has only rolled a handful of times. This got me down, I felt a bit like I was failing her – and Motherhood is not something that you want to fail. But then, today, magically, she rolled four times in a row. I realised that I need to surrender my worries to the universe, as there really isn’t a lot I can do, if I feel that I am doing all I can.

In one of Teal’s spiritual teachings she talks about how we are all of infinite worth. When a baby is born, it can’t do a lot, but it is of infinite worth. Your worth does not change. You are just as worthy at your death as you were at your birth, and every moment in between. So while you may not have your shit together and be the Mum you thought you may be, just remember that you are always worthy and your baby loves you even when you fuck up, are covered in vom & don’t go to the gym. So you are totally worthy of giving yourself a compliment right now.

 

Your amazing fellow Mumma,

B Xx

 

 

My good friend/sister-in-law asked me this yesterday. It definitely made me think. Would I say myself? I don’t think it would even occur to me to say myself. That tells me everything I need to know about my relationship with myself in this present moment.

I often begin writing blogs but delete them, in fear of offending or hurting someones feelings. All of my blogs are meant to help not hurt. But in saying that, sometimes I think we can be a little sensitive (If you know me, then you know how sensitive my Cancerian ass can be!).

Being a Mum is a tough gig, you are always questioning your decisions or reflecting on how you handled a situation – the last thing you need is to feel like you are being judged by others as well.  But are we always being judged when we think we are? I have often seen women genuinely trying to help another Mother, only for the mother receiving advice to bitch & moan when the woman leaves. I have also noticed that we can easily hate on another Mother when things are going smoothly for her. Wait, are we only ‘in this together’ when we are struggling? We can’t celebrate ones achievements or proud moments?

If that’s the case, then I want out.

Jealousy has always been a foreign concept to me. Amaya has only rolled twice, so will I get the shits with every other Mother who is super proud that their baby is now rolling? Amaya is seven months old but is on the smaller side of a four month old baby so everyone looks at me weird when I tell them her age, shall I hate on every mother who had a full term baby? No fucking way.

What the fuck happened?

When did we all become so ridiculous and jealous?

I call Amaya ‘Amazing Amaya’ – I do think she is amazing, I think all children are amazing, but I started calling her this when I sat by her cot day in & day out during our NICU journey. I make the choice to think that she is amazing just like I make the choice to think I am amazing, because over the years I have worked damn hard on my relationship with myself. As much as I have my moments of self doubt (since having Amaya I have struggled to find time for myself), I always know that I am a good person and that I have only love in my heart. I know that I would never intentionally do anything to harm my baby in any way. I am human and I am going to make mistakes. Just like you. And you know what – that’s ok. I know that there are Mum’s out there that refuse to admit that Motherhood can be tough, it’s such a breeze and they love every single second of it. That may be the case and bloody good on them if it is, but most of the time it has a lot to do with their relationship with themselves and their confidence in their abilities (I send love to these women as they need it the most). I love Amaya and I feel so blessed, but I will admit my struggles as much as my triumphs. That does not mean that I love her any less or do not realise how blessed I am to have her. As I mentioned before, I have worked damn hard on my relationship with myself and because I am an extremely emotional person, it is forever a work in progress.

We all get our crazy on when we hear of a Mother making someone feel like a ‘shit Mum’. But what about a Mother making another Mother feel like shit for being a ‘good Mum’? (Edit: I am not referring to gloaters, people who talk about how amazing their child is because they want to show off, not because they believe in building a child’s confidence and showing them how to love themselves).

I definitely have the ability to be to made to feel like a shit Mum, but not as easily as some. I have confidence in the way I Mother. I fall off that horse, especially with sleep, but I get the fuck back on. Yesterday I posted a photo of myself & Amaya (see below for photo). I was feeling wrecked, a little half-dead & emotional. I didn’t realise how much this came through in the photo. An old friend sent me a message with a gentle reminder to fill my emotional cup (thank you, I did that today!) along with words of encouragement. I responded, thanking her and commending her on her abilities to read my dog-tired face and to feel my energy through a glance. My friend then told me that she knew I was tired because she has seen that expression before in the mirror after a rough day with her children. This amazing Mumma also reminded me to look for the small things in each moment, like the way Amaya is reaching up to my chin with her hand. This message was probably such a small gesture to her, but it made my day.

Us Mother’s have to look out for each other and that is bloody hard if we are being competitive, not loving ourselves and over-sensitive! We are all in this together. If someone is giving you advice, it is probably because they have been there before and they are trying to help you. But let’s not go out of our way to actually be an asshole yeh?  A good way to measure this is how authentic you are being. If you genuinely are trying to help, then it is the other persons fault if they get offended. (Edit: we are all in desperate need of some ZzZzzZz so let’s use our kind words too!) No one is a perfect Mum, but we all try our best to be a good Mum. Let’s look out for one another, because if we band together, support each other and treat each other with love our children will be so much better off for it.

Below is a photo of wrecked, half-dead emotional Bree and Amazing Amaya. And the photo I have used to share this new blog with you is a photo of Amaya after me having some time to myself today – see how happy Amaya is? By looking after you, you are benefiting your child! You are a brilliant Mumma – you deserve it!

All my love & good energy

B Xx

 

Much like any situation, you can’t truly grasp how one would feel, unless you have been there. Going on maternity leave for the first time is no different…

You look forward to the end of work (seriously, how mundane is it? Adult conversations, company…but at the time, you can’t wait to be on ‘holidays’). You bring the baby home from the hospital and you are overjoyed. You can’t wait for all of your friends and family to meet this perfect little human that you, YOU and your partner created. You live in this blissful bubble for a while and think that once you settle in, you will get to that ‘to do’ list that you plan to complete whilst on maternity leave. The bubble bursts, usually in perfect timing with a baby crying…reality hits.

You are now working for a tiny human that likes to keep you on your toes. You are paid with cuddles and after a few weeks, some smiles. Your job is 24/7 and you are totally thrown into the role. Minimal to no training. Your partner goes back to work (a job that they are totally familiar with) and you are left, alone. Alone with your boss who likes to keep you on your toes…

I remember this oh so clearly. I was so unsure of how I was going to go. My job is to keep this tiny human alive? This is entirely on my shoulders for the next 9 hours? Fuck. I can’t even keep a bloody plant alive. The fear is real.

I remember the long nights, looking out the window at my surrounding neighbours, their lights out, soundly sleeping – feeling like I am the only person awake right now, oh and Amaya. On one of these long nights, loneliness snuck in. He perched himself up in the corner of the room and I was not sure how long he was going to stay. He followed me around the house, he made himself scarce when my friends and family visited, but he was quick to show his face when they left. As much as I was surrounded by people (supportive, positive, helpful people), my entire life revolved around this little person.

 

                                                         It was a lonely world.

 

As much as Amaya was new in Teina’s life too, he got to go to work and carry on his life as per usual. Don’t get me wrong, I love spending my days with my girl and can’t imagine not being with her all the time, now. But that first month was hard. Two of my friends had babies at the same time, that helped a lot as we could share our struggles and funny stories over copious amounts of coffee. But it didn’t keep loneliness away. He just came out as soon as they left. He especially liked to torment me at 2am.

I eventually found my feet as a mother, Amaya started sleeping more and I adapted to my new life. I kicked loneliness out & attempted promoting myself to boss. With the help of Teina we got Amaya into a flexible routine (which I have let slip a few times, but Teina was there to help me implement the routine again).

Becoming a new Mum is a lot of things – lonely is one of them and boy was I glad to see the back of him. Being a Mum is the toughest thing I have ever done.  It’s exhausting and it’s emotional. But there is something about the way she smiles at me that makes it all oh so worth it…

 

B Xx

P.S. Good on you if you got that ‘to do’ list done! I have been meaning to clean out her drawers for weeks, but I place coffee dates as a priority as it helps keep me sane!

 

 

Obviously you get a baby (or two, or three…or however many). That’s the obvious one. You also gain the ability to survive on minimal sleep, less sleep than you thought you could ever function on (I can now safely say that I believe that hangovers are 90% lack of sleep). You also gain this ability to be able to filter out the bullshit, because honestly you do not have the time or the energy (see minimal sleep) for people and their rubbish. Here are a few other things that I believe change when you become a parent…

I apologised to one of my friends the other day for being somewhat absent this year, this girl is one of my best friends and truly accepts me entirely as I am (bad time management and all) and she turned to me and said “Your true friends will understand”. Boom. There you have it. Becoming a parent also filters out your friendship circle, your true friends will understand that you may show up to lunch a little late, sporting baby vom, maybe wearing this new perfume you have called ‘breast milk’, without a stick of make up on (or minimal make up) and a messy bun that you have now adopted as your every occasion hair do. I’m not even kidding. And if they don’t…#byefelicia

Other things that change, you don’t get sick days. At all. Ever. This week I was sick and motherhood doesn’t stop for shit. I just wanted to lay in bed but I had a baby to tend to. Lunch breaks also go out the window.

Packing light. HAHAHAHAHA. We are going to Samoa in May with Teina’s family. I hadn’t thought past the beach until Teina’s sister-in-law asked me if I was taking the car seat. Shit. And the pram. Fuck. And food for Amaya. Wahhhhhhh. The smallest people require the most shit.

I have a new found respect for my Mum. And any other Mother I know.

You aren’t extremely keen on the idea of getting shit faced unless your baby is having a sleepover. Somewhere else. Where you cannot hear them when they wake up in the morning. Because if you can hear them, you feel guilty. This guilt then forces you to stay awake and get up to help care for this baby. You have one hard, long ass day ahead of you and you better pray to every God, Angel and the entire universe that your baby sleeps tonight.

You cannot stand to hear of a child being hurt or dying. Seriously. I obviously never enjoyed hearing these stories (clearly, otherwise I would be the biggest heartless wench on the planet). You understand how unbearably difficult it would be to exist without your baby and your heart breaks into a million pieces as you think of how that child must have felt and when you think of the parents who are left behind. My wonderful cousin passed away from cancer when he was six years old, my heart always broke for my Aunty. But since having Amaya, I think my Aunty is a superwoman. (I paused here because I had to take a moment to stop the tears). How does one recover? Nowadays, I think of my Aunty and it puts a lot of things into perspective. If she can be so strong & brave, then why can’t I get through today? I asked my beautiful 85 year old G’Ma, “What is the hardest thing you have ever been through?”, G’Ma paused for a few seconds before saying…

“Watching your Grandchild die, watching your daughter go through something so terrible and to not be able to do anything about it”.

How my G’Ma got through that sentence without crying is beyond me, because I struggled just to type it. To me this would be the most unbearable pain in the entire world. When I heard about that two month old baby who was stabbed to death by her Grandfather the other day, I burst into tears. TWO MONTHS OLD. What the actual fuck? I understand that he stopped taking his medication but that is not the baby’s fault. This never should have happened. And those two precious boys whose Father shot them and then drove into the water. How anyone can hurt another being is beyond me, especially a child or an animal.

Our journey had me talking to God daily. Prior to becoming a Mum I had always prayed here & there, but during Amaya’a NICU journey it turned into an everyday occurrence. I have kept this up and pray every night with Amaya. We don’t just pray for us, our friends and family, we pray for every single soul on this earth. I am determined to raise a child of love in a world full or misery and hate.

B Xx

 

 

 

 

Well, I don’t have the answer and every baby is different. But lately we have realised that I have made a bit of a rod for our backs. I will talk you through Amaya’s sleep from the NICU up until today. Hopefully this will help someone struggling with their baby’s sleep (and save you from making the same ‘mistake’ I have!).

In the NICU Amaya was fed through a tube and just layed there as the milk was put into her tummy, no burping required as she was not gulping her feeds. So she often slept through her feeds. Once she was on bottles, she was fed a bottle, burped and then placed back into her cot (which was on an an angle, which assisted her in digesting the milk). I was told by the Doctor and Nurses to feed Amaya, burp her and then have her sit upright (whether that be on your chest, on her back on a boomerang pillow…) for 20 minutes before laying her flat to allow her to digest her food properly.

Now I have a baby who wants to be cuddled to sleep…

Whilst I love the cuddles, this is not a habit that I want to keep, as I do NOT want to be cuddling a toddler to sleep every night. I used to be able to cuddle her for 20 minutes after her last feed for the night, put her in her cot and she would stay asleep, but now she wakes up, cos she wants me to cuddle her all night. That’s right, ALL NIGHT.

So in the early hours of this morning, 3am to be exact, Teina decided that this has to stop, as he woke to me, extremely tired with my eyes pretty much hanging out of my head. Clearly, we cannot continue to go on like this. So we put her in her cot and let her cry it out. Not only could I not sleep through her crying, but I felt terrible. I ended up going in and cuddling her, telling her that she is safe & that we love her, before I put her back down and she started to cry again. Then something magical happened – she fell asleep. At 9am Teina & I woke to her having a good ol’ chat to herself in her cot, probably either bad mouthing us or congratulating herself on falling asleep by herself. Teina went it & got her, brought her into our bed where we both praised her before Teina told her “aaannddd we are going to do this again tonight!”.

So basically, babies love to keep you on your toes. I used to cuddle Amaya for 20 minutes after her feed before placing her into her cot where she would sleep for 12 hours (not waking at all!) until the morning (I knew the straight 12 hour sleep was too good to be true! HA!). Oh how things have changed. We are determined to get back to that stage though. As much as I love the cuddles, and I know that I can get sleep by cuddling her, in the process I have made a rod for my own back, it is entirely my fault. In an attempt to get some sleep (you know, to stay sane and to do my best to not be a raging psycho) I have made a bigger problem for myself.

I believe, that I should have just been a bit tougher on her from the beginning (but she’s so tiny, she won’t be this tiny for long and I just want to cuddle her as much as I can) but, I am also a firm believer in being patient with yourself, I have no experience with Amaya and I am finding my way each day whilst always trying to be the best Mother I can be. I also believe that they are really little and they just want their Mum & Dad, so I am trying to find a balance where all three of us are happy AND getting oodles of sleep!

Sweet dreams!

B Xo

Amaya used to sleep through, but since having eczema, she has been waking a bit through the night. This obviously equals broken sleep for me, night after night this adds up and then I become tired, emotional, irrational Bree. Anyone that knows me, knows that I struggle with lack of sleep. Lack of sleep effects every aspect of my life (cue snappy Bree).

The other night, midnight – Amaya is crying. She sometimes just wakes through the night but will go back to sleep if I cuddle her and hasn’t fed through the night for ages. Why is she crying? This worried me, as it is completely out of the normal for her. So, tired, emotional, irrational Bree starts to join the crying party too. In comes Teina, our knight in shining armour (hahaha). He takes Amaya, makes her  a bottle (duh tired, emotional, irrational Bree – your baby is HANGRY! She must be growing or something, but I honestly did not think she was hungry, as she does not feed through the night, but I was wrong) and tells me to “lay down, go to sleep”. Well, he didn’t have to ask me twice. Out.Like.A.Light.

I remember reading a woman’s comment on Instagram once that she would get anxiety as the sun went down, as she had no idea what the night would bring. I remember I felt like this when we first brought Amaya home. At night time it is easy to feel lonely, it can feel like you & your baby are the only people awake. My Mum once told me that when she was up with me & my brother through the night she would think of all the other women, around the world, who were up with their babies too. It helped her to feel that she was not alone. One thing that always helped me was that I knew Teina was there if I needed him (I would try to let him sleep as he usually has work the next day).

But what about single Mums?

It’s entirely on their shoulders. I really don’t know how they do it and boy do I take my hat off to them. Seriously though, how do they do it? I know they don’t have a choice and that is how we always power through the difficult times, but really – they are like superhuman!

I was reading an article the other day called “We are torturing new mothers and then wondering why they get mentally ill” (a good friend tagged me in this, because we spent our time together the other day discussing how tired we are, the permanent black rings around our eyes, as well as how motherhood is just a tough gig in general). This article, I believe, is so true. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture and changes the way we think and see the world. I know with me, it changes my perception of reality, I get snappy and can be offended easily by things that I would not usually even think twice about.

This is where we, as women, need to band together and help each other. Support each other. This is something that is so foreign to some people. I read some of these ‘Mum’ pages on Facebook and Instagram and all I see is women judging each other. Ummm…we are all tired and trying to do the best we can to raise good humans! Can’t we HELP each other rather than JUDGE each other? Why do women feel the need to compete with each other? How does this benefit you & your child(ren)? It doesn’t. So stop it. You know, as well as the next woman, how challenging Motherhood (or just being a woman) can be, so let’s try to be patient, kind, loving, supportive and helpful to each other. And to all the single Mum’s out there, I send you love. You are doing a fabulous job!

 

B Xx