Who I am opposed to who I thought I would be…and how both people are of infinite worth.

I always thought I would be a cool Mum. I thought that I would have my shit together, I would go to the gym (haha I didn’t go to the gym much before I was pregnant, whyyyy would I think I would go now? I am reading Khloè Kardashians book ‘Strong Looks Better Naked’ to try and get my mindset right…) & I would learn to be organised. I mean, if Mum’s of twins and triplets can do it, then surely I can easily survive ONE baby? Right? RIGHT?

Right and wrong.

Motherhood is hard, amazing and a lot more spiritual than one would imagine. You are forever trying to connect to and stay connected to another being. Amaya is seriously a fantastic baby, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t encounter challenges. I always thought that I would have her in bed by 6:30pm and give her a dream feed at 10:30pm and then I would sleep the entire night through and get up the next morning, go for a walk and just be amazing for the rest of the day. This was the case for a while (walks some mornings and amazing most days ha) but then something changed. It’s like she got smarter. She knew what she wanted (sleep on me) and what she didn’t want (to sleep in her cot). Hmm. I put it down to four month sleep regression (she is almost five months corrected). But it feels like it is never going to end. The other day she slept for 3.5 hours DURING THE DAY (that never happens!) and then the next day….cat naps. On me. Today – cat naps, once again – on me. Once I put her down her eyes snap open and her stare speaks for her – are you seriously putting me down right now?! Amaya is a better sleeper at night, but will wake for a cuddle once or twice. I am hoping that sleeping through the night will return to us very soon!

Instead of the amazing, together Mum I imagined I would be, I am a tired, slightly emotional, make-up less, dag. She vomits on me daily and sometimes shits on me (ALWAYS when we are out). I honestly thought pregnancy stole all my dignity but it wasn’t until I was in public covered in someone else’s bodily fluids that I realised that there was still some more dignity to be lost. To my surprise, I didn’t care as much as I thought I would (the poo really was almost too much though). In saying that though, I still think I am pretty amazing. We spend so much time focusing on our weakness’ and our flaws that we don’t notice that we really are amazing, all the time.

“You are enough exactly as you are in this very moment and every moment” – Teal Swan

I have started taking more time for myself, like when I need a break, I take it. Whether that be reading, watching a spiritual teaching or just sitting there. When you just have to care for yourself your entire energy goes into caring for yourself (which can be exhausting too, so I encourage taking breaks too), but when you are a Mum, your energy is divided between your needs, your baby’s needs, and then you also have a partner to throw into the mix. Sometimes, I don’t have a lot left to give, so therefore just sitting there in silence helps recharge my batteries. Today I needed that break, I started to feel the tears coming on (nothing some alone time & an acai bowl won’t fix). I was also getting a bit down because even though Amaya is premature, I wanted to work really hard to ensure that she met all milestones of her corrected age. She is almost five months old and has only rolled a handful of times. This got me down, I felt a bit like I was failing her – and Motherhood is not something that you want to fail. But then, today, magically, she rolled four times in a row. I realised that I need to surrender my worries to the universe, as there really isn’t a lot I can do, if I feel that I am doing all I can.

In one of Teal’s spiritual teachings she talks about how we are all of infinite worth. When a baby is born, it can’t do a lot, but it is of infinite worth. Your worth does not change. You are just as worthy at your death as you were at your birth, and every moment in between. So while you may not have your shit together and be the Mum you thought you may be, just remember that you are always worthy and your baby loves you even when you fuck up, are covered in vom & don’t go to the gym. So you are totally worthy of giving yourself a compliment right now.

 

Your amazing fellow Mumma,

B Xx

 

 

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