Single Mum Life… – By Tahlia Ferre

When I first met Tahlia, she was a carefree uni student whose main concern was how are we going to get all of these assignments done (wasn’t that all of our main concern?). Within days Tahlia’s life completely changed – she learnt that was becoming a Mum and shortly after learning this, she finds her self single. Below, Tahlia shares the realities of being a single Mum, day in and day out…

 

Single Mum Life… – By Tahlia Ferre

Becoming a single mother was never something I had ever imagined myself doing, and yet here I am as single as can be, with the most beautiful little girl by my side. I didn’t plan this life, it happened to me while I was busy chasing fantasies and day dreaming of the crazy life I would lead and the adventures that I was yet to have; that’s what they say though isn’t it? Life is what happens while we’re busy making plans… This is the adventure I never dreamed of, that I now believe was intended for me.

Now although I love and adore my daughter it isn’t easy going it alone, not that in my circumstances I would have it any other way. I would never intentionally choose to expose my perfectly innocent child to the biology that helped make her existence possible, however it still doesn’t make being a single mother any easier knowing that this is the choice I’ve made for us.

Arlette depends on me and me alone to fulfil every single one of her needs no matter how small, the responsibility of sole carer for my daughter is me and that means being switched on 24/7 to cater for her every need. I make all of the decisions regarding her life, which is hard sometimes, not having anyone to back you up or agree with your choices; what if I fuck up and make the wrong choice and there is no one there to say to me ‘babe, you know what, I think this is a better idea’ or ‘maybe we should do it this way instead’. I don’t get a consult or a counsel before I make a decision, I just make the decision I think is right and I go with it… and sometimes that’s scary, and I dread the day that I really do fuck up and my decision is detrimental to Arlette’s life.

Not only is it hard in the way that it’s all me 24/7 and I have no one to give her to or help me with her or the decisions about her life, but it’s also hard not having someone for me to talk to, or lean on, for me and my sanity. I don’t have someone to crawl into bed to at the end of a long hard day of baby wrangling who will curl up with me and play with my hair, or tickle my back until I fall asleep, because I can’t sleep, because I’m totally wired from my insane day of running around making sure my 10 week old is fed, burped, changed and satisfied… In short, babies are hard work sometimes and just when I get a minute to sit down, she lets me know with a scream that could shatter souls that she’s ready for the whole charade to start again. It’s lonely sometimes when at the end of the day I crawl into bed on my own and stare blankly into the darkness, alone with my thoughts.

I love my daughter and I love our crazy life but it isn’t easy and sometimes it’s lonely when your constant companion speaks in coos, gurgles and spit bubbles and good, fulfilling conversation is hard to find. I wouldn’t change it though, not even in the hardest moments, when all I want to do is scream and collapse into a puddle of tears, when she won’t stop crying or screaming or fighting sleep when I know she’s damn well tired. I wouldn’t change a thing, because her smile in the mornings, it brightens my day and lightens my soul. It fills me with a love I’ve never felt before when she holds my hand and pulls it in close to her. It melts my heart when she looks up at me and smiles and coos.

I am filled to the brim with love, for this perfect little human being and although every day is hard, every day no matter how hard, she reminds me who I’m doing it for and how oh so worth it the hard times are.

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